our God is greater

Sometimes I reminisce back to when I was a student… high school, college- you name it.

The only pursuit of my heart was the glory of Jesus Christ. Somehow along the way my heart and passion has been marred by a mixture of pride and the unsettling reality of being a “grown-up.”

Lord, my prayer today is that no matter how difficult life will become that I will never lose the fire of my youth. Everything I am for Your Kingdom and Lordship.

humility

The greatest spiritual battle that I have had to come face to face with in recent years has been the battle with pride. I’ve never struggled with anything more in my life than I have with pride.

The biggest problem is my belief that I’m actually special and super awesome. Deep down inside, despite my inherent flaws and brokenness, a part of me believes (or used to believe, anyway) that I was always meant for something big and special in ministry. Maybe even a year back I was convinced that I was going to be the next Billy Graham or something. Really, I used to believe all this.

Being in ministry my first year has been an eye-opener. Ministry is, in fact, far from easy. It is not glamorous, it is difficult, and it is often easy to feel lost and alone. It requires a lot of work and more often than not fails to bear fruit until much later. Ministry is all about obedience, not results.

And it takes someone who is utterly convinced that this life is not about he or she but about something Greater. It takes someone who is absolutely convicted that nothing matters more than the advancement of His Kingdom. It takes someone who is willing to do whatever it takes, pay the price no matter the cost so that He may increase and I may decrease.

I am so humbled because I have such a long way to go. I am so humbled because I am an incredibly prideful being (and I don’t even know exactly why or how anymore). Being an ENFP, it’s especially tough. I am constantly wanting to be in the spotlight and at the center of attention. Matters are made more difficult when the two things I do now and feel called to do for the long run (leading worship and, eventually, preaching) require an incredible amount of humility if I want to do them right. Because a great worship leader and a great preacher will never have people talking about his or her magnificent performance but will have people talking about how awesome our God is. A great worship leader or preacher will always have led people to a fuller knowledge of His glory and grace.

That is why I absolutely love worship songs where all pronouns referring to the self (I, me, mine, etc.) are almost non-existent. Because the focus really goes back to the Lord and no other thing or being…

O, great God be glorified!
Our lives laid down,
Yours magnified

O, great God be lifted high!
There is none like You.

Chris Tomlin- Uncreated One

astounded

After the words have all been said
After the songs are sung
I realize I’ve only but just begun
Trying to wrap my mind around
Extravagant love come down
Leaves me undone
Finds me with nothing to say,

Unquenchable songs and endless praise
A million tongues poised to sing
Could still not convey
The worth that Your name deserves
Beauty for ashes
Joy for pain
Mercy instead of my blame
Ruins me for more
I’m lost in Your presence, Lord

The reach of Your fame
The power in Your name
Your glory surrounds me
It’s over my head
It’s over my head

The shame of the cross
For all that it cost
This friendship astounds me
It’s over my head
It’s over my head

Starfield- Over My Head

“i’m a poet and you know it”

What a stupid line. And yet it’s the stupidest lines that leave the biggest imprint on your brain. Wow, that was a stupid sentence/statement.

My eighth grade science teacher, Mr. Velez, once said that to me. We were in the middle of class. He said something that rhymed and I said, “Hey, that rhymed!”

And he replied, “I’m a poet and you know it!”

I laughed so hard. It was so dumb but the sheer simplicity and heart mixed with just the right amount of wit and sarcasm along with that smile- I never forgot that line. It made an otherwise boring class fun.

I’ve forgotten so many important speeches. I remember .5% of all of the sermons I’ve heard in my life. I don’t even remember ninety percent of the things my best friends tell me… but I guess it’s the stupid lines that make me laugh- these never leave.

I don’t know why. I’m so easily amused.

And still waiting for the Lord’s leading.

thankful

One minute I am sure I need to go back to school. Next minute I have no idea.

This will be an interesting week.

parental advisory

The calling to ministry. It’s been a mixed blessing, if that even makes sense.

The summer before my junior year of high school I received a calling to full-time ministry. Now that I look back at it, the process was a lot more drawn out and required much more thought than just that “one moment.” Even so, I do believe that on that faithful summer night, as missionary Sharon Song gave a call for those who wanted to receive a prayer if they felt called to missions or ministry , that I wasn’t crazy.

Or was I?

Like I said, I’m extremely blessed to have been a junior in high school who knew for certain he was headed to seminary and wanted to be a pastor.

In fact, the part that’s usually most difficult for most people in my position was actually the easiest for me: my parents.

My parents are faithful, God-fearing followers of Jesus. Alas, they are still stricken by debt and financial struggles, marks of many first generation Korean immigrants. These are the battle scars of parents who did best with what little they had- all for the sake of their children.

Surprisingly, they were remarkably calm when I first told them. I knew inside they were a bit frustrated or confused as to why or how I knew this- and I don’t think they realized until midway through college that I meant business. But they were supportive and faithful all the way.

Now that I am in the middle of my first year in ministry and on the brink of making some important life-choices about where to go next, my parents and their worries are slowly creeping up. I am struggling much these days because my parents want me to apply to Princeton Theological Seminary. The truth is that I don’t want to go to that school. Theologically I am Reformed and want to go to a school with solid Reformed teaching. It seems that Gordon Conwell would be the perfect fit for me. But the fact is that my church in Boston right now is broke like a back mountain and does not have the money to provide me with any scholarships or any of that.

It puts me in a tight situation because my parents really think I’ve already started off the wrong foot by joining Intervarsity staff. They want me to be the best pastor I can be and live a debt-free life by attending Princeton.

But in my heart, I know where I’m called to. Or I think I do. And for the first time in my life, I feel like I’ll be going against my parents’ wishes knowingly and it kills me. The Lord is calling me to trust Him and believe that His plan is perfect.

It’s just that I want my parents to stop worrying about me. And to be happy for once.

haiti

It’s been a little less than two weeks since the destruction caused by the earthquake in Haiti. On Pastor Mark Driscoll’s first visit to Haiti he was greeted with the words, “you’re about to see a crisis of biblical proportions.”

I don’t think many of us can really claim to understand what’s going on. I think the people most affected by this tragedy are either a) people who have family or know people in Haiti or b) people who have first-hand witnessed the tragedy involved.

And I am struggling a lot because I am not struggling so much with this. I feel utterly selfish because my heart does not break as it should. The truth is that as Christians we are called. Simple as that.

And I suspect it to be true for most people here in the States as well. More than ever we have an unlimited amount of access into the country’s desolate state and broken conditions- and yet the Hatians are still “too far” from us. We will donate money and we will feel momentary bouts of sadness when we turn on the television.

But a few minutes later we will change the channel to our favorite program, sit back and enjoy. As if nothing even happened.

What a sad existence.

decisions, decisions

I really wish I had all the time in the world to decide what the next step in life is going to be but I actually have a few weeks, it seems. The truth is that I don’t know what I want to do. So it further makes it more difficult deciding what I may be called to do.

I’ve always been a firm believer in going with your gut instincts. People ask me all the time, “Moses, how do I know God’s calling me to this?” And my answer is almost always, “If you are walking in and with the Lord, more often than not the desires of your hearts will probably line up with His.”

Obviously there’s some issues of theology there (we are actually very sinful people who want to sin all the time), but I think people get the gist of what I’m trying to say…

But for the first time in a long time, I’m pretty torn. I didn’t really have to pray or wrestle about where to go to college. I never really had to pray about where to serve while in school. I never had to pray about what church I should commit to. It all just felt right and never once did I really regret the decision. Even the decision to come on staff was not very well thought out but it feels like the best decision I ever made.

But now I am torn because being back at work with the students at BU makes me want to stay forever- especially when the freshmen ask me the dreaded question: “Are you going to be on staff next year?” When I reply with the answer, “Most likely not,” they proceed to tell me that I “suck” and that I “suck even more.”

I really believe that the ministry I have had the privilege to be a part of this year is going to bear immense fruit both this semester and in the long-term- I really believe that! God is stirring up something special not only at Boston University but in this whole city. It is exciting.

At the same time, I realize now how valuable theological training and spiritual discipline is and I just can’t help but wonder if seminary may be right for me after all.

There is much to pray about. This would be a whole lot easier if I didn’t have to fundraise my own budget/salary and I got paid a six-figure salary to do what I do now. Really.

Just kidding.

full-time ministry

I struggle a lot because I am really wondering whether I want to do this or not. I am currently scheduled to enter school in the fall so that I could move along with this. But sometimes, I wonder if this is worth it.

Overladen with guilt.

i would love to create concept albums

Random thoughts but I’ve always wished for a gift of songwriting. I truly believe songwriting is a gift. I have a good friend and mentor who is absolutely brilliant when it comes to crafting the perfect blend of melodies and lyrics. He is good. I am terrible.

It’s absolutely true that songwriting is like any gift- you need to work at it to get it right. Some of the greatest songwriters today were not always great songwriters.

Even so, I am willing to admit that even if I am blessed with more gifts in music than most people I know, I am not gifted with songwriting. I once wrote in my notes somewhere:

“It’s not the words that have a hard time making their way out- just the melodious path for them to travel.”

Looking back on that now, that seems absolutely unnecessarily abstract, fluffy and annoying. But it’s absolutely true. I can speak so easily but melodies have a hard time making their way out. Thus, I have given up on writing songs.

If I had the chance, though, I’d love to create several concept albums. For those not in the know, a concept album refers to an album created by an artist that more often than not revolves around a very specific theme and tells a story. Examples of concept albums can be found anywhere in music history (i.e. Raekwon’s Only Built for Cuban Linx, Green Day’s American Idiot, Mae’s The Everglow, Jay-Z’s American Gangster, etc.).

I have ideas for four different concept albums. The titles would be as follows:

The Republic of Korea- I have always been fascinated and intrigued but mostly depressed anytime I have learned more and more about the plight of North Korea. Much props go to BC KSA my sophomore year for spearheading a movement towards encouraging Korean-Americans to become more educated.

Lamentations (And Other Songs of Worship)- Lamentations is the most depressing book in the Bible. Actually, the whole Bible is emo. Freakin’ A, the gospel is emo. Just kidding- kind of. But really, think about it. In what other religion do you have God Himself coming down in the form of man so that He may be crucified? Really, it doesn’t sound emo to you? Anyway, although many people have a hard time seeing it, the book of Lamentations is absolutely beautiful because of its honest look at life during Israel during the exilic period- it really, really sucked. But wedged right in the middle of a book is a prayer of hope. Freaking awesome.

Every Single Girl- This would be an album about every single girl (from the early years to now) that I have fallen for and that has either a) broken my heart or b) captured my heart or c) captured my heart and then broke it and then captured it again and then broke it. It would be a fun album. I think.

“Untitled”- This would be the life album. The album would chronicle the journey of a single man from birth to grave. Life’s tragedies. Life’s joys. Life’s sorrows. Life’s triumphs. From birth to grave. It’s “Untitled” because I have no idea what I would call it. But it would be awesome.

What an utterly pointless entry. I thoroughly enjoyed writing it, though.